Men – Being an A’Hole in Your DNA

Is it me or are most guys out there just selfish a’holes? Is there a class titled How to be an A’hole 101?

or…

Maybe is it me? Am I always trying to date the emotionally unavailable, save-me jerk? Is that built in my DNA? All I know is that I cannot handle one more jerk that graces his presence in my life. I do not want to save you, make you see how much you can hurt me, or waste my time and/or breath on you.

I am making a promise to myself that I will  never allow another a’hole man to make me second guess who I am… because I am AMAZING; let me walk away without a fight.. because I am WORTH fighting for; to ever have an ill word to say about me… because I am UNBELIEVABLE; to ever make me cry… because I am WORTH consoling; and most importantly… to ever make me an option and not a priority… because I am ME!

Relationshit- leads to fresh start

I moved!!! After months of agonizing over a break-up with my boyfriend, I finally have found some wind beneath my wings. Am I completely over what happened? NO! How could I be? I have come to realize that there were many underlying issues with myself that I needed to resolve before I could start the healing process.

So… after another failed relationshit… I decided to take matters in my own hands and find myself again. Instead of complaining about never being able to find love, it was time for changes in my life before I am able to find love.

Since December, I have spent endless hours crying, being angry, begging & pleading, and rode the emotional rollercoaster looking for someone to save me from my pain. The reality of it all is… it isn’t the men I date, but the men that I choose to date. I seem to always pick the emotionally unavailable, need to be saved type of men and then wonder why it all blows up in my face and am hurt. Its time to break the pattern and hopefully I will find hopeless, unbelievable love that everyone wishes they find one day.

Due to these realizations in my life, I have moved to the Adirondacks with my brother after another WRONG guy has graced himself in my life, made me cry, sucked the life out of me, and no matter what I said or did was good enough. I AM AMAZING and any guy that doesn’t want to protect me, be my best friend, or let me walk out of his life without a fight…. NEVER deserved me. After hitting the bottom of  Heartache Canyon, bouncing up and crashing down again, I turned to my amazing brother for a way out of where I was. I went from being a 30-yr old single, live-at-home with my parents, seasonal job coming to an end, no personal space to starting the treck to being me again.

Although, I miss my mom, sissy and rest of the family, I decided that in the end I want a family and all the things everyone else around me has. My brother offered me an opportunity of a lifetime and was exactly what I needed to escape the toxic lifestyle I was leading and never escaping.

Enter Saranac Lake, NY. I was scared, sad, angry with Keith for breaking my already cracked heart, pressured by my family to stay due to their own selfish reasons, and basically unhappy. As I was driving to the coldest place in New York State, I was crying.. hoping that Keith would ask for me to stay and/or want me. The further I drove away from Rochester, NY, and all the nonsense and hurt and pain associated with it, the tears changed from sadness to tears of empowerment and potential happiness in my future. At this point, I deemed this my Fresh Start…. a new chapter in my life. I control my own fate up here… my success, my choice in love (if I choose too), my choice in friends, and my choice in being ME again.

So I am now starting a new chapter in my life… and am going to chronicle it all for everyone to read, and hopefully I can learn from my own mistakes and will find an emotional balance in my life, as well as happiness within myself.

Join me as I write the pages in my new chapter and be prepared for the ups, downs, twists, turns, tears, sweat, and my journey to fix all the cracks in my heart!

Happy Holidays?

Whether it is in a store, running into a friend, or even when I am working… we are all saying Happy Holidays to each other. But howcome this year it feels like Unhappy Holidays for me? I cant celebrate with the person that I have love and spent the last 3 with, so I am unhappy and sad… Yes, I have my wonderful family, friends, health, job, etc., but if you dont have the person that you love to complete the picture it really takes away from this once happy time and makes me miss him even more. So many holiday parties, seasonal shows on TV, and things that we once did together have all been taken away from me. Now wherever I go, everyone just wants to tell me how sorry they are hear about our split, which not only makes it harder on me, but also refocuses my attention on the man that I love that walked away from us.

Sad Soul

Today may have been one of the worst days of my life next to the day my dad passed away unexpectedly. I walked into the home that I was asked to leave to gather some clothing and was not expecting what hit me. I have never cried so hard in my entire life and should have prepared myself for this. Some of my things were gathered by B with a note saying where he put stuff. I can barely function because my soul is so sad, yet he is able to gather my things in only a few days. I went into it with an attitude that I need to stop thinking about the past and look into the future and that I will move on quickly due to all of the pep talks from my family and friends…. but standing there alone in that house looking at what I used to share with the man I love and knowing that it would no longer be like that again broke me. So I resorted to asking him to rethink his decision and to realize how much I love him and he responded with “i do not love you anymore”. Everytime I hear that it cuts through my soul and reopens wounds that I have started to slowly patch up. How can he not feel the way I do right now? How can he let me go when the thought of him not being in my life makes me tear up? Why can’t I make this awful feeling go away like I have with so many others? The reason is that this breakup has not only affected my life but has struck all the way down to my soul. At times I feel like I cannot overcome this and that I will never make it through this, and other times I become rational again and admit that he has asked me to let him go… so I should since I love him. Even though I am surrounded by a wonderful family and have so many dear friends… a piece of me is still missing, a very large piece of me that I am not sure will ever completely recover from this.

Death of a Cell Phone

Have you noticed how much time we spend on our cell phone? It seems that we have better relationships with them than with real people. We take them everywhere with us, are constantly checking them, feel naked without it, and we immediately turn to it when something in your REAL relationship goes wrong. So as of today… I am breaking up with my cell phone. I will no longer let this handheld device  run (and by run I mean ruin) my life since ultimately my cell phone played a large part in the end of B and I.

I am promising to myself that I will never allow this mistake to happen again.

No Sleep = New Commitments

Once again I have slept the entire day away to try to stop my pain from the break-up with B, and now I am up all night. The only thing that is suffering at this point is me and my schooling. I keep myself awake with thoughts of “Does he miss me?”, “Why doesn’t he love me?”, “Why is this so easy on him?”, etc. etc. There are so many unhealthy thoughts that I am consuming myself with that I am letting other commitments I have made, for example: Nursing School, things that I have worked so hard to do and am letting them all slip away too.

B told me today that “I have made this easy for him. He has no feelings whatsoever regarding me. That a weight has been lifted off his shoulder and there’s nothing I can do to make him take me back. If I dont get my things he will arrange for them to get to me. Again this is easy for him thanks to my actions and that he will live a happier life without me in. He has no sympathy for me either and to please not contact him again.”

So naturally, I continued to contact him but did not receive anything back. How is it that he is capable of not responding while I am checking my phone every 10 seconds in hopes he decides to tell me he wants me back and continue to plead with him for forgiveness and to rethink his decision.

Where did things in my life go wrong that I would do this? I love him and miss him, but looking at that message shows to me that he clearly doesn’t want me in his life. So here I am laying awake still wondering how he can sleep knowing how sad I am, how he can keep moving on while I cant get out of bed, and how did it all get to this point.

So I am going to make a commitment to myself to not contact someone that clearly doesn’t love me anymore and a commitment to honor his request of me to never contact him again.

There is not a second that goes by that i do not hope and pray that he will say he still loves me or that he will just tell me to come back to our home and love me enough to not let me go, but the reality is that he is not going to.

So my final commitment is to not let another person affect other commitments that I have made and take control of living a healthier life.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure my heart will still be broken and I will miss the hell out of B, but I need to focus on getting past my past and start by staying true to these commitments.

Insanity Cocktail

Today I mixed myself a nice little cocktail of depression, anger, uncontrollable crying, sadness, anger again, pleading, blaming myself, self-pity, and heartache. As you can see, it was a busy day for me. How is it possible that one person can go from one extreme to the next? Well…. that is because of the insanity cocktail. It is day #2 of losing the most important man in my life due to my own selfishness, actions, and self-destructive behavior. Over the course of two years, I have successfully ruined a lifetime of happiness with a man that made me be a better person. All for what you ask? I have no idea… I have come to terms with the fact that I just might be an impossible person to love but most importantly I need to go back to loving myself and living a healthier lifestyle to make sure this never happens again.

So as of right now… I had to call my mom and dad and am staying in my old bedroom with my dog Andy. All of my stuff is at B’s house that we just moved into a month ago and he wants to never hear from me again. I spent the whole day crying and barely being able to get out of bed, oh yeah… and asking him for forgiveness, why this is easy for him, why he doesnt love me and many other insane things…. but it happened.

Starting today, I am pledging to stop indulging in the Insanity Cocktails and have decided that it is me and only me that can get control of my life, which is currently hanging by a thread and learn from my mistakes and find the real Shawna and start my journey to complete health (soul, body and mind) and find a way to mend my broken heart.